Monday, May 22, 2017

You are gold!

Sometimes someone is born different, with a different way of seeing this world, people, life itself.
The capability of having a open mind and explore other ways than the normal to me is a treasure, it was because of people like that that many things were discovered, because of people capable of thinking out of the box.
People that are genuine, pure with so much love inside them to share, with so many options to learn and one day teach.
Those people are the change, they are and think different for a reason, making the world a better place.
What "normal" people call them? Crazy, rebels, dreamers, imatures, people that don't know nothing, freaks, abnormals.
Being different and thinking different can be a curse, being a sensitive person can be a curse, because "normal" people will judge, will criticize, will put people aside just because they don't agree with "different" people beliefs, thoughts, ideas and opinions. That's why so many "different" persons are shy, are afraid to speak, apologize for give their own opinions, they apologize for being who they are and they try so hard to change, in order to people who are ignorant accept them.
They even start to believe that they really must be crazy, maybe they are the bad ones in this fucking story. 
And that makes good, different people turn into frustrated, depressed, anxious, scared people, who are afraid of being themselves in public and use their voice to stand up for themselves.
They close their real personality into a bubble, turning into a fake person walking among the other ones, because maybe that way nobody can mess with them.
While that, their inner light weakens, they push it to the bottom until it dims, they don't dare to shine.
Do you see how wrong is this? How twisted humans can be? How can you dare to shut a beautiful soul in a cage, how can you dare to try to screw up a treasure just because you don't see the value of it?
Because you can't open your fucking mind, and take time to educate yourself, to listen to others opinions, to evolve,you are the one who was brainwashed your entire life, you're the one who don't know nothing, you are the one who lives in a giant "normal" bubble, and don't even see the pain you're causing.

Life is much more than novels, tv shows, than knowing everything about others lives and criticize them.
Life is so much more than what clothes you wear, material goods, how rich you are or not, the real treasure are in your soul, in your mind, in your eyes.

Difference isn't bad, in a mad world preaching love, be sensitive and care for others isn't bad, have a little of innocence even when you are a grown up, to see life in a different way isn't wrong at all.
So, pease, if you are "different" and others are trying to make you feel bad about it, stand up for yourself and remember you should be the norm and not the exception.

Don't let them dim your beautiful light.

To all of those beautiful, pure souls out there, you all are gold, you are treasures and I love you all. Don't think even for a moment, you're the only one and you are alone, because there are so many sparks around the world.
We are connected!
Be Happy, be kind and belive in yourself!

Friday, May 19, 2017

Seeing life through lenses

Wow, 2 posts in the same week?! The girl must really be out of her mind.
Lately I've experienced a huge lack of inspiration, plus I've been feeling so tired because of work, that like I said in my previous post, my mind has been cloudy, foggy, sleepy.
But today, that aside I really wanted to do another post, sun is shinning outside, I feeling strong and my outfit of the day was cute (in my opinion haha).
What I did? I took pictures of myself, a little amateur photo shoot.

The only rose alive in our building garden
Do I have the right or best material? No! 
Do I have the best placement? No!
Do I have the best light? No!
Do I feel supeeerrrr cute? No!
Do I want to be a model? NOOO!

So why? Because like a lot of people, I enjoy doing this, I enjoy to play with my phone camera and photography is something that I really enjoy to do, since I was very young, capture moments to see in the future, is something precious to me, mostly because of my inner fear of loosing my memorie and not be able to remember anything when I get older.
Sometimes I really like the clothes that I'm wearing and the outfit itself so I just want to take pictures of it, and other times I'm feeling good about myself, so why not cheer that fact with photos, also I like to be able to see how much my face changes along time. 
Is it just me that likes that?!
I don't want necessary be a model, I don't think it could be a right job for me, but I like doing this for fun.
Since ages I've been waiting to buy a câmera, not necessary a really expensive one, but a good price-quality relation one and a tripod, because I really enjoy this hobby and sometimes I feel a little bit restricted by my lack of material, I know I would enjoy much more with a better camera than my poor phone camera with almost no picture quality, but I do the best that I can with what I have, with the sun light and so, and I continue, because this makes me feel good, creative.

No more rambling around, there are the pictures I took today.

Thursday, May 18, 2017

Chaotic mind 

Sun shines, and sun don't, mind is broken and thoughts run around and around with no rest. Confusion in the brain and focus is starting to escape.
There is no stability right now, anywhere,the roots are starting to pull off the earth and letting go the ground, mind flies away so fast, no one can reach it. I know I am where I'm suppose to be right now but still, it's been a confusing trip.
I wish I could put a string on every thought and tie them down to me.

In a moment or another I just let go the anger inside me, the tiredness, the confusion in form of tears, because words can't express all of this in one way.
Tears are like the rain, both cleanse the environment, although I'm not sad, well sometimes I am, but you now I don't feel deeply sad as I used to, I mostly feel tired and a little stuck. And that is what I don't want to, I must not get stuck anywhere in my journey, I must continue to evolve.
The anger is starting to envolve my being, because my mind is blocking out the good thoughts and there is where I start feeling stuck. That's not a good place to be in.
Life is a beautiful journey, where you learn, you feel, you grow and you evolve and nowadays I constantly forget about it, about what I learned when I cleared out my mind.

Life isn't about the things you own, life isn't about how much money you have, is about moments, feelings, experiences, appreciate what you already have.
But our minds can be tricky, they can make you feel like you need a million things to be happier, or that you not doing enought to be where you need to.
We live in a superficial world right now, where all that matters is appearance, where people don't speak their minds because they don't want to be put aside, they all look the same because if not, they are not beautiful, where they all buy the same clothes and look like clones.

Sometimes I find someone who really inspires me, or thinks like me and I feel like if I could speak to that being and express all of what think, what I feel, and have a conversation in real life it would be a beautiful way of pass time, evolve, grow, but in my life I only have one person to do that, and most of his thoughts aren't as crazy as mine. But aside him, I don't know anyone with an open mind, with crazy thoughts, with interesting theories about life.
So my mind is starting to feel tired, sleepy, foggy. And that scares the shit out of me, because I don't want to come back to that place anymore in my life.
I hope sun starts shining soon, constantly, cause this cloudy days, sunny days and cloudy ones, sometimes even rainy ones, all in the same week aren't no good.
The energy floats and changes really fast, so there is no stability, and I  feel it deeply in my mind.

Be happy, be unique, be beautiful, just be the real you!

No matter how chaotic it is,
wildflowers will still spring up
in the middle of nowhere!
-Sheryl Crow

Thursday, April 27, 2017

Never get stuck!

You can't always be happy, pain exists, sadness exists in this life, it's supposed to, makes you stronger, makes you wiser, you gain defenses in your mind, soul, essence, you have to figure how to live through the pain, the bad things, the sadness.
Strenght is when you know that you have problems but you wake up every day with a smile and you think, let's make a new day in our journey, let's continue to figure out things, let's find solutions to change whatever is making me sad, to change the path that I'm following, let's fight another day and make it awesome, grateful for the good things that we still have in our lives besides the bad ones or the problems we need to solve.

Appreciate the sadness in order to evolve!

It's like when you're a child and you're overprotected, you don't play outside, you don't get dirty, you don't play with earth, you don't do anything that may "hurt" you, the first time you get a flu you're body don't have defenses, doesn't know how to deal with the strange corps that is infecting your body. Pain, sadness, hard things to get through, they are the strange corps infecting your mind, your heart, your soul, your essence, if you have a easy life, overprotected, all given to you, the first time you are on your own, you have to obtain things by yourself, you have to get through hard situations, hard decisions, through pain and sadness, your mind doesn't know how to because you had never been prepared to deal with it.
You will want to run away to your safe zone, to your comfort.

That happened to me, even today I'm afraid of changes, I'm afraid of pain and fight, in the most traumatic moment of my life everything changed and I wasn't ready, although my life wasn't the easiest one and I had learned to fight, in that moment everything was ok, I didn't had big worries, I was fine and I though I had everything figure it out.
But life wanted to show me another lesson, I still had much to learn and evolve (I still have tho) and I wasn't ready for that, I had no defenses to that, to changes, to really be by myself and do the right decisions and really fight for my path, be an adult, because I was only 16  years old.
So,errr, I didn't have responsability, I did bad choices, I've fall, but I didn't blamed myself for the mistakes I've made, that was my biggest mistake. It was my fault, I didn't want to fight, I didn't want to have to work, I wanted the utopia created in my head.
I wanted no responsabilities, and life teached me, without responsability you can't be happy, you can't go to places, you can't have stability, you can't have food, money, a home.
You are responsible to create your own path, you are responsible for your actions and your decisions, not everyone else, no one have the obligation to take care of yourself if you don't want to. You have to do it for yourself.
You have to have the guts to fight, because this life isn't easy by herself, don't make it harder.

So, yes, even today I'm afraid of changes, challenges, pain. 
I'm afraid of being alone, because my brain sometimes still thinks that I need someone to take care of me, sure everyone needs someone that takes time to give us love, kind words, and advices as we need to do the same, but as I said no one have to be responsible for your decisions, actions, choices, no one have to take the responsability that you don't want. And sometimes my brain is 5 years old and just doesn't function as an adult,errr.
I'm afraid of changes because I'm afraid of challenges, I have to put myself out there and get out of my confort zone, that happens mostly when I have to go to a new work, I don't like the confrontation of being something new to me, new people, new tasks, being such a shy person, it freaks me out.

But as time goes by and I get older and evolve I realize it gets easier to put me on those situations and fight my fears and proceed, I just know that it is something it has to be done, I can't avoid work just because I don't like people or I can't avoid work just because I don't feel like working today. No, it's my responsability to go, to do my best and almost not acknowledge the obstacles, in the end of the day, I must be proud of myself and not take care of others thoughts and opinions about me, because I am trying to make a living, I am trying to create my path, I am teaching myself and evolving, and most of those people who take their time to criticize you they are stuck in a blind state of mind, they don't know better.
So why should I take my time, the time that I need to create myself, my path, my life, and care about those opinions from people that think they know me just because I say a few words and work with them. No!
Those people have a purpose to your life, teach you that the best we keep for ourselves, we have to show just a tiny part of what we are entirely, don't give them even the chance to ruined what you've been creating inside of you, they don't know you!

I'm afraid of pain, because pain hurts obviously, not physical pain (although that scares me to) but psychological pain, my biggest fear is to lose the ones that I love, my family, human and animal ones.
But death is part of life, we can't carry this body over and over till forever, we must proceed to another state.
But still, is hard to me to accept this one, because I've experienced that pain, and it is a task I need to work on, although I don't think a lot about it.
And maybe that's the main problem, I don't accept it because I avoid to deal with it.

Anyway, it must exist balance in everything, happiness and sadness, good and bad moments, in order to our strenght grows, in order to our soul steps up on another level, to evolution occur.
Educate yourself, learn your lessons in the bad but also in the good moments, apreciate all your challenges, and never but never let yourself get stuck, always find a way to continue.

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

No matter what, don't give up!

The human being has strengths that even him doesn't know he have.
Bad things happen all the time in our lives or for a reason or another we feel tired.
Our mind starts to feel weak, our body wants to shut down.
In these moments we feel desperate, anxious, with fear, nothing seems to work out the way we need.
It is in these moments that we must be strong, we must fight the tiredness, we must go on no matter what. Sure, it is important to rest, to take time to treat ourselfs, we are not machines and even them need some maintenance and sometimes need to be repaired.
The point is we should not give up on things, just because 
we are tired or it's to hard to do. 
Nothing is impossible to do if we put our minds in to it, if it's hard, push harder, in the end you will be stronger, you've learned a new skill, you climbed one level up.
Life is like a game,if we give up, all the effort that we've made till now will fall apart and that's a terrible thing to happen.
All of this is a lesson for me to, I'm tired, working 14 days without a day off is a mental challenge, my brain shuts down sometimes, but I wont give up, hopefully tomorrow it's the last day before my so needed day off.
It has been the longests 14 days ever, so many times I wanted to break and say, this is not for me, I can't handle it, I can't go to work because my body hurts, I want to stay home sleeping. But I don't want to feel guilty because of doing that, I've reached so many years ago, a new level of responsability that even tired and hurt I prefer to go to work than simply don't go. 
I guess I've learned how to adulting, eh eh!
What I can do is try to rest when I have the time, treat myself, eat better, hydrate myself and fight, put my mind in to it, teach myself that if it is hard I will be stronger and finally that I can do it.
It's the only way that dreams come true, you don't expect that they just happen, you have to work.
So, keep the hard work, keep pushing because one day, the tree will give you fruits.

Saturday, March 11, 2017

New job and sun!

After two days, maybe three, of sun and the entire month of february without writing, today I felt like I needed to do it. In January I wrote a lot and then my brain blocked.
Life happened! In a brutal way again. So, I did a break, of being me, being strong although I dealed with strenght I guess. I was strong but I kinda blocked the emotions. I just went through it, later on I felt fragile but still blocking.
So, February I didn't do much and didn't write anything, I couldn't do it. I couldn't preach about how to make things feel better or how to enjoy life, make our days better if I didn't feel it, if I wasn't in shape. 
I write to organize my thoughts, to let things go out of me, to remember what I need to do, to teach myself, and to those of you who want to read.
But mostly I write because I feel the necessity of it and I know my English isn't perfect and this may afect my writing, but I'm trying to improve, I love to write in English although isn't my mother language.

Better news, I started a new job! A real one, ahah!

I'm no longer an unemployed person uhuh! I'ts a part-time job, cleaning Primark!
I let so many times my resume on that store to actually work with them, but I ended working for a cleaning company that works for Primark. I guess we can't have everything.
It doesn't mind that is part-time for now because it's a transition job until I can back to the kindergarten. And when that time comes I still want to work in this job on the weekends if possible.
It's just three hours a day so... I think I can handle it.
I'm very happy about it, I'm happy for having a job, the part that I have to wake up every morning at 5 a.m. not so much but I'm trying to not complain and adjust my brain that it is ok, I can do it, I already did it in my previous "real job" and it was a full time job, 8 hours a day, some days 9, so with 3 hours I must handle it.
For an entire year I started my job at 11 a.m. and finished at 7 p.m so my brain was used to that and now it is lazy.
I'm trying to  not get involved at any drama occur in that place, because honestly I just want to do my job the best way I can and come home. I don't want lose any mental stability that I've gained. It was hard to achieve my inner peace and I'm still struggling so I want to stay away of drama and problems. But it isn't easy because people being people, at any place that I go to work shit happens.
I just hope that doesn't envolve me ahah!

And for now I still have plenty of time in the rest of the day to do my things, to clean my house, to read, to write, to enjoy my free time. Life currently feels good, spring is coming, sunny hot days appear, yesterday was a very hot one, sun was bright, I was able to dry all my laundry outside, amazing!
Today is a rainy day with a grey sky, this is nature playing with us, first, yes you may feel like is a good day to keep away all your warm clothes and maybe go for a walk on the beach because tomorrow you will want to stay in bed with a warm blanket!
It's confusing!
But I'm glad, feeling the sun while I went home was very pleasant, although I was in zombie mood and warm as fuck with my wool sweater.
So, yeah I hope sunny days come really fast and frequently because I feel so much better when the sun shines!
Bye, be happy!

In my experience, people older than me, at least the ones I've worked with, think that just because we are young our lives are easy, maybe because many of young people in this generation live in their parents house and some may still study and take life in a more relaxed way.
This is generalize, for many of us, life isn't that easy as we struggle with the lack of work and not being able to have a better future, many of us want to get out of our parents house and make our living, be able to have a house, build ourselfs a future.
Many of us doesn't have parents that can help so many of us 
started to work when still were very young.
So, my point in this, just because we are young it doesn't mean we have a easier life than many older people, maybe we are just so tired like them, maybe our body hurts just like theirs. Maybe we experienced some terrible things in life, and still fight and put a smile every morning, because life doesn't stop running!
Maybe we wake up just as tired and still go to work every day, not because we want but we need it, other way we just can't make a future.
Yes, older people has fighted and worked their entire lifes, but many of young, in theirs twentys started to work a long time ago.
We are not little kids, we have as many responsabilities as older people, so if your are older, be kind, we don't know everything, we are young, but we struggle as much as you did or do, we are learning and growing but so are you! Till the moment we die, we are still learning, every day!

Friday, January 27, 2017

I found myself today putting some calm music and start to do some Yoga to stretch my muscles. 
It is a rainy day and while the rain was falling I've started to meditate.
It felt very good, I started to feel calm and very relaxed.
Nothing else around me mattered, my mind started to focus and one thing that came to me was, everything depends on me.
What I want to achieve, what I have to do, the power is in me.
Depends on me if I'm strong enough to get through the obstacles, depends on me if I'm gonna get stressed out about things.
I have the power and the strenght to change my life, to make my path, to be happy. No one else can do it for me, I have to lead myself, my mind and my body.
I have to take care of myself, be strong and choose to be happy and then be able to take care of others.
 It may seem some how selfish, but how can we take care of the ones we love if we aren't in our best shape or if we don't care about ourselfs.
Even if we live a life together, each one of us have our own battles along the day.
No one can live what I have to live, independently, through my day.
Today I've learned something new, maybe I already knew it but my mind reinforced the idea.
Everything is falling in place again and soon enough I'm going to start working again. It's temporary, just until I'm able to be back to the kindergarden and work with my loved children.
I went visiting them on Wednesday, and felt the love and how they had missed me, just how I've missed them, I almost cried in front of them. I want to go back so much.
I've to be patient. I have to learn to be more patient.
Rain doesn't stop falling and I'm gonna enjoy my day reading and drawing maybe.
Be happy!

Wednesday, January 18, 2017

Why don't we change the world?

Once upon a time there was a little girl living in a small city wishing to do more.
Her biggest wish was to go, seek for new adventures and save everything that needed to be saved, change everything that needed to be changed.
The little girl grew up carrying that wish in her heart, she wanted to do good.
Life happened, and the little girl's world fell apart and she needed to be saved, her world needed to change, and her needed to change.
So she did, and for sometime her heart turn a little bit darker than she wanted.
The question came to her mind, Am I a bad person now? I 
can't change or save everything if I can't do that for myself. How can I think about others when I don't care about myself.
For a while she grow in darkness, her mind, her heart had changed. She didn't turn in a bad person but she was growing stronger, to be able to protect herself from all the evil around her, she closed herself.
One day, the chains were broken, the walls fell apart and she started to see, step by step the sun shinining in her face, feeling the warm going inside of her.
As she loved herself more and her little world was staying in place, she had a realization.
It was an illusion, to want to save the entire world, to change everything, she was no super hero.

She realized that people could be really mean, or really good, but in fact people can be both. She was both, when she needed to step up for herself sometimes she could be very bad, but most of the time she chose to be a good person, but not a blind one.
She started to pass her love, her joy, her kindness to the ones who needed, the ones that could change the world one day, the ones that aparently have no future.
That's her way of making a better world, because alone she almost lost herself to a dream, a wish.
She saved many little worlds everyday, with LOVE. Maybe love isn't enought, maybe kindness isn't enought, but they are the only weapons that she have, to fight.
So why don't we change the world? Why don't we start with little worlds? With our inner world?
Because sometimes our world needs to be changed too.
By making small things we can do huge difference, maybe if we safe enough small worlds by sharing and loving and teach,we can save the big one!

Tuesday, January 17, 2017


The definition of happiness is subjective. The way that I aspire to be happy may not be the same of others,because we all have our own path to follow.
In the present day I achieve many things that I wanted and needed to be happy, so I can say that I'm more happy than when I was younger.
Simply because I knew that I wanted to be happy but not how, looking back I was lost, a lot.
 I thought that the way I was living was happiness, freedom and didn't want to listen to anybody. In fact I was learning on my own for the first time, and I'm glad that I passed by all the bad things, and to have the opportunity to fail and learn on my own, because I never did that, I always did the right thing, I was the good girl, and starting being an adult by yourself can be harder than we think, or not, I guess it depends on the person. 
To me it was a sense of freedom, to do things on my own, in fact, I didn't knew anything about how to adult.
And I was discovering an whole new world around me without any backup.
I had friends trying to help me, and trying to talk to me, but I simply didn't want to listen, because it was my life and I wanted to explore and do things my way.
I didn't knew I could balance two worlds, the responsability and the fun and freedom.
I should had listen to them? Yes! Everything would have turn easier , but I'm the kind of person who likes to do her way first and see what happens, not so much anymore, because I've learned to think before acting.
Anyway, somethings I wish I could change, but all the process made me grow and at least try to not make the same mistakes again.
Life it is a learning process, and the mistakes and the victories are part of that process, that's the way you grow.
Back in those days I didn't knew that balance could be a way of being happy, stability could be a way of being happy.
And I'm happy now, I feel happiness, most of my days I feel joy inside of me, I realized I have now all the things I wished for on my 15s. I have a home, I'm loved and my professional life is going for better. I don't have a lot of money, my job it's not going to pay me a lot, but it's a job that I like for the first time, I can't say it's my dream job but it gets closer to that, and I get this job probably I don't have to search for a job anymore in my life. Stability!
I don't want much in my life, I don't aspire to be the most rich person and have expensive things inside my house just for the sake of it.
Yes, I appreciate good and quality things or food, I would like to have a little more money to spend, and financial freedom to travel more and go on vacations, but sometimes it's better to achieve small goals in life.
For me it's a big victorie to final realize what I want to be in my professional career and achieve my inner balance and stability in life.
It took me 25 years to realize what I really want to be and not feeling lost, I have a purpose to follow, one that it's possible to achieve, for the first time in my life I have loved my job and I never wanted to go back as much as now, it could be tomorrow, I would glad say yes, forever!
I never wanted to stay in the same job for all my life, because I never liked any at that point.
For many happiness may be to become rich, or have a big house or top car, for some happiness have another definition, may not be attached to material things and be found in the small things in life, to live the small things that life has to offer, may be to find balance, and inner peace, to achieve small goals that lead to great things.
Happiness may be to fight fears and step out of our confort zone.
It is up to each of us to define the concept of happiness.
So, just find your way and be happy!